Seeing Your Parents For Who They Are
I recently took a trip to North Carolina with my mom, with the goal of unplugging for the weekend and also to take the opportunity to connect with her. Our relationship has definitely grown in the past handful of years, not that it was particularly bad previously. I would say it was more distanced if anything, but not in a malevolent or overt way. I find it’s hard to really put into words how it felt. I always felt loved and supported by her, but aside from that, I didn’t feel that we were particularly close. I think part of it stemmed from the fact that I felt I couldn’t truly be my full honest self at home. I think a lot of people have that experience when they’re younger: being one version of themselves at home with family, and another out in the world with friends and strangers.
I’ve spent years documenting strangers, learning how to ask questions that make people feel seen and being genuinely curious about their stories. But it never really occurred to me until recently to turn that lens in her direction. We tend to stay rooted in the dynamics we’re used to with our parents, them seeing us always as their babies, and us always seeing them as gods, playing a monumental role in our lives, but not really participating outside of prescribed circumstances.
The trip we took felt like a small experiment in breaking that pattern. I had taken the initiative to sit down with my grandpa a few years before to interview him about his story, but that felt more like a last ditch attempt to record it for posterity before it was too late. With my mom, I wanted to have a more open and profound dialogue that would help us connect as adults. So that I could understand her life story from beyond my limited memory and experience with her. To learn who she is as a person, not just who she’s been to me.