Winning Isn’t the Point
Too often, we walk into dialogue like it’s a debate stage. Notes in hand. Ready to win. The irony is, the more prepared you are to win, the less prepared you are to listen.
Lately I’ve been noticing how much energy gets wasted in “gotcha” conversations. We’re all armed with headlines, hot takes, or the clever comeback we thought of in the shower. But if you’re chasing understanding instead of victory, you have to loosen your grip on the need to be right. Which is something that I know I’ve struggled with my whole life. Figuring out that it doesn’t mean selling out your values. It just means giving the other person the dignity of being heard.
What I’ve found is this: when I stop trying to bulldoze my way through, people tell me things they never would’ve otherwise. Their guard drops. My curiosity grows. The whole tone shifts.
Maybe the real skill isn’t in convincing someone you’re right, but in showing them you care enough to listen, even if the conversation doesn’t end neatly. Because the truth is, no one’s ever “won” a friendship, or a partnership, or even a late-night debate over beers. But plenty of people have lost them by needing to be right more than they needed to connect.